Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Some forward movement

I spent some time on Wednesday afternoon looking through the provider directory of my insurance company to see if I could find a therapist, preferably someone who focuses on grief issues. I also did a Google search and came across the Psychology Today profiles by specialization and geographical area. Within about 1.5 hours I had come up with a short list and called the top person on that list. It seems that, in order to find the kinds of services I am interested in, I need to travel to West Hartford. (Interestingly, when I took one of those informal surveys of the kind that people post on FB, the city in Connecticut that supposedly suited me best was West Hartford.)

The therapist returned my call yesterday, and I have an appointment scheduled with her for next Thursday.

Meanwhile, I went for a Rosen appointment yesterday. Even after almost 4 years away, it felt pretty natural to be there.

Because I had been away from Rosen since October 2010, one of the things that came up for me during and after the appointment has been to think about some of the changes that occurred around the time that I stopped going, and that have happened since then.

In September 2010, I visited my mother's grave for the first time since her funeral, which was in January 2008. My husband went with me. That was on Labor Day weekend which, coincidentally, is about the time that our cat Misty passed away this year.

Also in September 2010, my husband went back to school in order to study counseling. That continued for 4 years, including his internship semester, and he is now employed as a clinical mental health counselor.

Another thing I remember about the autumn of 2010 is that, while I was still nominally an Amma devotee, I was beginning to reintroduce Islamic practices into my daily routine. This would come in two phases: one in 2010-11, which was followed by a return to Amma-related practices, and the next in January 2013, when--after a period of little to no daily spiritual practice--I resumed Islamic practices as my only form of daily spiritual practice. That began with reading a book about Islam in Bosnia and other European countries.

In October 2010 a law went into effect in Connecticut that converted civil unions into marriages.

In November 2010 my husband and I took a trip to Boston because I wanted to see Brandon Flowers in concert. We also went to see his brother, who was undergoing treatment for throat cancer.

On Christmas Day of 2010, in the evening, while the family was gathered together at my husband's sister's, their mother fell and broke her hip. While she would remain alive until Feb 26, 2014, her fracture was the beginning of a period of increasing dependence on medical services, and on her children to manage her health care needs.

In April 2011 I traveled to London to participate in an international symposium. Because of concerns about our financial situation while my husband was in school, I limited my professional travel even more than I had done in previous years.

In general, this period has been a time in which I have been focused on my work while my husband has been focused on his education and change of career. Now that he is employed in his new career and he is no longer in school, this feels like a time when I can begin to explore some things we can do together--and that I can do for myself--that we may have been inclined to deny ourselves during the past 4 years. For example, finally, a couple of weeks ago, we went on our first weekend getaway in years (except for holiday visits to southern Connecticut). It's too bad that we then lost Misty so soon afterward.

My husband is currently undergoing his Chiron return. (Mine occurred, somewhat uneventfully, in 2012-13.) In looking at his astrological chart, I noticed that the first pass of transiting Chiron over his natal Chiron occurred at about the time he was offered the job that he now holds. The second pass occurred last week, during Misty's final illness. His Chiron is in his 12th house, which is associated with loss, but also with institutions, especially of the kind in which people seek healing or experience isolation (clinics, hospitals, prisons).

For me, one of the things that Misty's death brings to mind is that she and her sister had been living links to happier times in Atlanta. As my husband has been moving forward with his career, elements of our past have been dropping away.

There were times when I tried to find refuge from unhappiness associated with my job in spiritual groups (NAJ and Amma) and in particular friendships. Each time there was a disappointment or a separation, I was returned to a heightened awareness of my discontent with my job situation and with my social life in general. Even when I conceded defeat in finding a satisfying social life in this locality, I think it was reassuring to me that we had both of our cats and that they had each other. Now that reassurance is gone. Although I hope that Taffy remains healthy for some time to come, with Misty's death the sense of security and reassurance that came with both of our cats being here at home is now gone. That's the decisive break that I'm feeling challenged by at this time.



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