(I have changed over to the Hijri date given by the IslamicFinder Athan software, which is one day different from my Gregorian/Hijri wall calendar. It also gives an alternate name for the closing Hirji month. The next Hijri month will begin after the first sunset following the New Moon.)
It's snowing again. There is a lecture at 6 p.m. this evening that the dean wants people to attend. It is some interdisciplinary something-or-other that isn't of any interest to me. If I were going to go anywhere at all, I would more likely go to a lecture on forensic astrology at 7 p.m. Lately, however, I've been finding it difficult to stay focused past 8 p.m. There is supposed to be a wind chill advisory tonight. Maybe I'll just stay home.
I'm finally at a point where I am caught up enough with paperwork that I can open up some time to resume commenting on my advisee's dissertation proposal. I have been unable to return to it since Tuesday of last week.
This morning I was thinking that the bottom has really fallen out of my belief in what I'm doing in academia. My immediate goal is to is to keep up appearances and to be polite. I guess it's not too bad a run. Last September marked 25 years since I entered graduate school. I managed to get a tenure-track appointment as I was finishing my Ph.D., and I managed to get tenure and promotion almost 8 years ago.
It has also been almost 7 years since I made any new friends in my area. Maybe that part of my life is over.
I'm feeling that, in order to enter into the next phase of my life, I need to let go of expectations that I'm supposed to have some kind of professional enthusiasm balanced with an enjoyable social life and a fulfilling romantic life. I just don't see how these things are feasible for me. At home, it's enough to have some respect and some compassion for the things we've accomplished and for those that have fallen away over the years.
It feels a bit scary to consider letting go and to stop trying to get everything to work out perfectly, but I'm feeling that I really have to do that, and the sooner, the better.