Late this afternoon it will enter its 6th mansion, The Form, whose letter is خ and whose Divine Name is The Wise (#46 of the Asma ul-husna), الْحَكِيمُ.
I was supposed to have observed the teaching of a colleague today. This colleague has faced a number of complaints about his teaching. In response to this, a committee was appointed by the department head to observe his teaching and to submit reports on it. Word came from the department head last night that the observations would need to be postponed, as some necessary prior agreements with the instructor had not yet been reached.
This is a relief for now, although I could have scheduled a Rosen appointment for today if I had been given more advance notice. It's probably just as well that I don't have any appointments for today, as I could use a day to work alone at home. After all, I have been in the company of others steadily since the Saturday before last, and I could do with a little more breathing space.
Yesterday was difficult, in part because I have given up trying to "inspire enthusiasm" in my students. Their stubborn non-compliance has worn me down and I simply don't have the energy to hide it anymore. I seem to be telling myself--still--that I am a failure for not trying harder to overcome their resistance. On the other hand, there is a dawning sense that the shifts in my feelings may be due to my finally taking greater responsibility for myself.
This makes me think of an article I read online yesterday evening about aging cats that cry out during the night. Ours has been doing this noticeably since her sister died. Basically the keys to dealing with this behavior are patience, reassurance, and adaptation to the cat's changing needs. The article noted that some pet owners become worried if the crying subsides, even though this is usually a positive sign. Similarly, it is probably natural to fear criticism or retaliation if one succeeds in taking better care of oneself than in the past.
It may not seem like much, but I managed to stay away from work email for an entire week. I prepared myself ahead of time before I left to visit my father and took no work with me, other than personal reading that had nothing to do with my academic work. (Granted, my personal reading had to do with spirituality, philosophy, and politics--not pulp fiction--but nonetheless it was reading of my own choosing.)
I stopped grading papers at around 7:30 yesterday evening. The world did not stop its rotation as a result.
I had a difficult day yesterday but, somehow or other, I managed to embody my feelings more fully as the evening progressed--somewhat as I would if I were in therapy. It is not always going to be possible to soothe or mollify "negative" feelings right away, but by embodying them more fully I can at least experience a relative relaxation of some of my resistance to them, and this may help them to "process" in a more natural way.
Since I have fewer interruptions today I will definitely need to take some time to exercise.