Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Subota, 21 Zu-l-ka'de, 1436

Planet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Saturn

Prophet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Abraham

Lunar phase: Disseminating - Demonstration (Phase names and keywords from Dane Rudhyar, The Lunation Cycle)

The Sun is in 12 Virgo (in my 12th house): A powerful statesman overcomes a state of political hysteria. (Symbol for 13 Virgo from Dane Rudhyar, An Astrological Mandala)

Since I last wrote, the Moon has entered my 9th house. This past morning, the Moon entered Gemini (in my 9th house) and the Sun transited my natal Pluto (in my 12th house). In the coming morning, the Moon will enter its Last Quarter phase, whose keyword is Re-orientation. Also in the morning, the Moon will enter my 10th house.

This being the first week of classes, it understandable that I lost control over some of my projects. Rather than feel completely defeated by that, I have decided to get back on track gradually.

A theme that has been recurring is that of synthesis. I seem to feel both guided and yet free to "live my life" when I have examples such as those of Lex Hixon or Dane Rudhyar before me. Instinctually I feel less free when I imagine myself participating on a regular basis in organizations such as Amma's or, perhaps, the shaykh that my new Sufi friends follow. I have noticed, however, that the dervishes in that order seem to choose the level of involvement that is appropriate to them, rather than feel impelled to "over-immerse" themsevles.

I have also noticed that I have been gathering biographies around myself as my actual, or intended, reading. I'm actually making good progress in the James Merrill biography, which is helping me to see some of the difficult situations that young gay men typically face, especially with respect to their families. In reading about how Merrill politely listened while his aging father reminisced about mistresses and business deals, while feeling compelled to withhold any revealing information about his own romantic adventures, I was reminded that it is difficult to go through one's own ups and downs while also carrying the burden of feeling that it is not safe to share one's peak experiences or disappointments with members of one's family without fear of being misunderstood or judged. I wondered if this may be related to a mutual sense of frustration that I have faced in therapy, in which the therapist feels as if I am not trusting or seeking support sufficiently, while I feel frustrated by not really knowing what that is (except, perhaps, prematurely and largely unsuccessfully among certain friends and ex-lovers).

Yet another feeling that has been coming to me came into focus on Thursday morning, when I was driving into Hartford to sign estate documents with my husband. As I was on the exit ramp from the highway, I saw the building for The Hartford insurance company in front of me. That is where poet Wallace Stevens worked. Later that same morning I went to West Hartford for my Rosen session. I said to my husband later that day that I realized that, at this point in our lives, "all roads lead to Hartford." Just as there was a New Haven phase to our lives, and an Atlanta phase, this is (and has been for some time) the Hartford phase. It lacks the youth of the New Haven phase and the metropolitan glamor (and Southern charm) of the Atlanta phase, but it is a phase that has provided orientation to our 40s and 50s. I feel as if I have been blocking acceptance of this phase by trying to "populate" it with activities and enthusiasms that may properly belong to earlier phases of my life. None of these has worked out particularly well. Maybe I can take that as a sign that the things that I have tried and that have failed were not meant to work out during this phase of my life.

One of those relics of a previous phase of life is identification as a spiritual seeker. This doesn't mean that I have to accept spiritual deadening as a new normal, but it means that I want to be more open to laying aside notions of an optimal spiritual teacher and community if it just hasn't been working out. It has seemed to me recently that one of the reasons why I came to see myself as a spiritual seeker was that I felt rejected by my parents, and by my mother in particular. I responded by rejecting the Catholic church, in which she had raised me. (It was her church and not so much my father's, who went along for the ride during the duration of his marriage to my mother and then left it soon after her death.) By opening up to things like Slavic languages and modern American poetry, I seem to have been trying to achieve a sense of synthesis with respect to earlier parts of my life, without having this project be driven by a typical therapeutic project. When I let this project unfold at its own pace, however, I seem to experience a certain degree of healing. It seems as if the larger project is to compare those things that I experience first under my mother's influence, and then take them in new directions on my own, as if to "raise" myself further (as my own parent) after having gotten out of my experience of being parented what I could.

Once again on the topic of synthesis, and my recent reminder of "energies" associated with the Kali tradition (as I had previous experienced it), I have had the experience a number of times of meeting members of a spiritual group and of having some (perhaps relatively dormant) energies come to the surface, but of not having people in the group--perhaps not even the teachers--be sufficiently knowledgeable or available to help me develop the emerging synthesis further. I'm not particularly interested in teachers who are looking for patrons or volunteers (or both) try to push my development in directions that are most likely to further the interests of themselves or of their associated organizations. I actually already have plenty of pressure (within academia) to channel my energies in particular directions. I'm interested in what appears to be wanting to unfold, apart from work-related pressure and apart from additional obligations associated with this or that spiritual group.

Well, I guess it's time for me to be "of service" by cleaning the kitchen and getting ready to go to bed, not to mention working through two piles of papers that still need to be graded, followed by grades that will need to be posted, and readings to be prepared for next week, along with a family visit that is meant to mark the Labor Day weekend.



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