Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Utorak, 1 Zu-l-hidždže, 1436

Planet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Mars

Prophet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Aaron & John

Lunar phase: New Moon - Emergence (Phase names and keywords from Dane Rudhyar, The Lunation Cycle)

The Sun is in 21 Virgo (in my 1st house): A royal coat of arms enriched with precious stones. (Symbol for 22 Virgo from Dane Rudhyar, An Astrological Mandala)

Late in the evening, the Moon entered my 2nd house. Overnight, the Sun transited Venus in my 2015 solar return (SR) chart.

This past day, I was dealing with overwork and was struggling with exhaustion and resentment that my efforts are not properly recognized. I'm writing this entry in the morning, as I shut down the computer before taking the time to write it last night.

Yesterday I interviewed colleagues regarding the colleagues who are applying for reappointment or promotion. Undergoing this process as a candidate has sometimes been very uncomfortable. I sense that that is the case for some of these colleagues as well. A number of factors come into play, including perhaps genuine confusion regarding the priorities of the university administrators--or perhaps confusion regarding their stated priorities versus their real priorities.

Where this plays out in terms of "the path" (or of self-awareness in general) is to experience myself making efforts to shift the focus away from personal injuries sustained in the past--along with manic efforts to try to avoid their recurrence--and toward a broader view of the dynamics of the department which, to be sure, involves a lot of projection and hurtfulness: it's just not all aimed directly at me. :-)

This inquiry has led me to consider initiating some conversations--particularly with the department head--over the next few years, to see if I can begin to build a strategy toward applying for promotion to full professor before too many more years go by. I feel as if I have been trying to clear my schedule of excessive service activities in the hopes of opening up more time to produce publishable scholarship, but I have yet been successful in doing so. Maybe I need to work in consultation with someone else, rather than to take on the burden of figuring this out all on my own. On the other, inviting anyone else into the "conversation" risks taking on the burden of their envy and of their efforts to undermine my efforts. In my environment, that is a reasonable risk to consider. So, for now, this is just something to think about.

Unfortunately, there is a university open house this Sunday morning, which is the same day on which I have scheduled to present a recital in the evening. (I was unware of the open house when I scheduled the recital--in fact, rescheduled twice around other conflicts.) The coordinator of the open house events--which is not known for his intellectual sophistication--invited performance faculty to volunteer to perform at the event. I am academic faculty, not performance faculty, but I incorporate some performance into my professional activity (which has not always been looked upon favorably, even though it has started to attract national and international attention among a select group of composers and scholars). I responded to the invitation to attend open house--at which I am normally expected to show up, with bells on, to meet and greet (and waste the better part of my morning, since most students fear and loathe the subject that I teach). This time, however, I offered to perform something (if that is desired), and I pointed out that my forthcoming recital is tied into a grant-funded student research project that I mentored. I anticipated that my offer might be dismissed as being too esoteric or "complicated" for the general open-house-attending public to understand, so I left myself the out that, if my work were not to be featured at the open house, I would prefer to have a reprieve for this particular one, so as to minimize "wear and tear" as I prepare for my recital that evening. I copied in the department head, who was copied in to the original request for participation. It will be interesting to see what the response will be.

I am one of three full-time faculty in my area. One of my colleagues is on sabbatical. The other never attends events of this sort. He is currently on part-time status (although still, I think, making his six-figure salary). He is a curmudgeon, and everyone just "knows" not to even bother asking him to attend. There are times when I get tired of playing the role of Cinderella, being expected to show up and to work at everything while my needs are indefinitely ignored and/or deferred.

My response of, "feature my actual work, or taking a fucking hike," is a new strategy on my part. It felt good to the ego to put that out there. As I struggled with insomnia overnight, however, I practiced letting go of resentment (or even the anticipated "need" for resentment) and simply experiencing my "normal" state of loss and disappointment, just so that I could get back to sleep and prepare to get back to work this morning.

My work situation is what it is. I definitely am not interested in "flipping" from feeling personally injured to adopting some kind of Polyanna New-Age-platitude-spouting persona (which I think is just a defense against pain that has not been processed), but I am becoming increasingly interested in using the experience of my personal discomfort as a platform from which to examine patterns of discomfort from a wider perspective. I'm also interested in catching myself in the act of compounding my difficulties by adding huge amounts of resentment into the mix--which can easily bring a brittle or aggressive quality to my interactions--and in trying to change course so that I try to bring as much presence and relaxation to my inner and bodily awareness of my experience, while at the same time avoiding merely naively leaving myself open to further injury. This brings up a lot of questions regarding what, where, and to whom to disclose anything about my experience.



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