August 8th, 2010

Hu design

Back from vacation

My partner and I returned from vacation yesterday. Maybe it's the persistence of worry about my mother's health, then dealing with the aftermath of her death, plus separations from friends who seemed to be key to my sense of happiness and "connectedness" at certain points along the way--I don't know, but it seems I spend part of each summer mini-vacation feeling kind of down, or just tired.

This year was no exception, but since there was no pending sense of crisis, it actually was easier than the past few years.

We had a spectacular beach day and the waves were huge. My partner spent more time in them than I did, but still it was fun.

I spent the rest of the time at the beach listening to my daily Sanskrit chants in earbuds and reading Adbusters.

I've continued working with Gunzburg's book on Life After Grief. I've been going through some astrological timing stuff in my chart over the past 8 years or so. It's starting to help me appreciate how hard I've been working to stay on top of career-related stuff, even with all of the other inner and outer things that have been going on.

As I went back over the period involving my first spiritual friend within the Amma community, I was able to appreciate the rich mixture of influences at that time, including some classic astrological indicators of, "You'll meet someone who will spark some feelings, and you will wonder whether it is possible to explore that in the form of an affair, or whether circumstances will cause the exploration to happen in some other way." One one level, it makes sense that, since he appeared to trigger some intense feelings and insights, I would be curious about the idea of sharing my evolving feelings with him. He was, however, remarkably consistent in stirring things up and then making himself unavailable to share or develop any of what got stirred up. Either he had somewhere else to be, was interested in someone, was making plans with other friends, or was having a crisis that demanded to be the absolute center of attention. It's not as if the feelings and insights had nowhere to go at all: it's just that the most "natural" outlet (sharing them with the person who seemed to inspire them) was frustrated so much of the time.

As I went over this period again, I was reminded of a song by Stevie Nicks: "Love Is"

She awakens things that he says he thought were dead
He says, "Are you happy now?" "Oh, yes, I am."
But when it's over, how then will you feel?
Will you miss those arms that used to go around you?

It was an intense period, and getting tossed around in the waves of whatever was going on was a welcome respite from striving to figure out how to perform professionally in a way that might lead to tenure.

But ultimately I come back to slowly groping through the dark, alone, as I try to come to terms with the legacy of my family experience and what it is that I should be making of my life from here on out. My partner and I are able to function well enough to coordinate our energies and share in experiences, even if they are not always as intense or creative as I would like them to be. And, though I may have experienced some intensity and apparent inspiration with some of my friends, what ultimately were the tangible results of all of their grandiosity and rhetoric? Not a whole hell of a lot that's worth pursuing on a regular basis.

Om Kali Ma,