Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Further thoughts about the weekend

I noted that neither my father nor my brother called to see how I was doing after the event in Orlando. I also noted that no one in my husband's family called him either. There were also no calls to or from friends this weekend.

I am among those people who was told by his parents never to contact them again after I had shared with them that I was in a relationship.

There is no amount of discussion of "issues" around support or trust, in therapy or in Rosen, that will erase the fact that I have had to learn how live with minimal experiences of these things over a 53-year period. There is no amount of "sympathy" or paid substitutes that will divert me from the trajectory that I am on, which is to continue learning how to live with the things that were never in my life--or, at best, temporarily so, or chimeras that turned out to be disappointing illusions--until I take my last breath. That's just how it. I think that the planning for that kind of trajectory should be the priority whenever "healing" is discussed, instead of being pressured to accept New Age fantasies that ultimately leave one feeling ashamed and inferior about not having access to privileges that were never there in the first place, aren't there now, and most likely won't ever be. Why can't more Americans learn to accept their realities?

I've also been thinking further about the impasse I reached in my attempts to converse with the guy at the mosque who sat next to me at the iftar. That was the third time I had seen him there. He seems to have picked me out as someone who seems welcoming, although he clearly knows some other people there, as he was engaged in continuous conversation with a friend who also sat at our table. I would have expected most people there to be at least minimally bilingual, given that they live and likely work here, as I would expect myself to be were I to live in a non-English-speaking country. But maybe he has just arrived here too recently to be able to function well socially in English. That would make him very dependent on contacts within the local Bosnian community.

These thoughts have led me to consider what it might be like if I were to need to relocate to a non-English-speaking environment. Would I have to be one of those people whose professional credentials would be useless? Who would need to rely on "unskilled" labor in order to support myself (as if any labor is truly unskilled)? What if my social encounters were routinely as stressful and awkward as what I experienced on Saturday evening? What must things have been like for my Slovak grandfather, who emigrated here alone? What would it have been like to have been able to communicate with members of my mother's family in Slovak (or Polish) rather than to be members of the English-only third generation?

I think that there may be some issues of family "karma" that are seeking resolution--or at least a development of perspective--through my choosing to attend this mosque. There are also definitely issues of seeking to find inner support and nourshiment through spiritual practice in order to sustain myself, given the notable gaps in my social support system.



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