Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Subota 2 Rebi'u-l-ahir 1438

Planet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Saturn

Prophet of the day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Abraham

The Sun is in 9 Capricorn (in my 4th house) An albatross feeding from the hand of a sailor. (Symbol for 10 Capricorn from Dane Rudhyar, An Astrological Mandala)

The Moon is at 29Cap24 (in my 5th house). Lunar mansion (according to Ibn 'Arabi): 24, The Animals, letter Dhāl, The Humbler (Al-Mudhill)

Lunar phase: New Moon - Emergence (Phase names and keywords from Dane Rudhyar, The Lunation Cycle)

In about an hour and 10 minutes, the Moon will enter Aquarius (in my 5th house). Overnight the Moon will transit my natal South Node (in my 5th house). About an hour before sunrise (izlazak Sunca), the Moon will transit my natal Saturn (in my 5th house).

I was feeling a bit of unexpected emotional sensitivity yesterday evening, on a pretty deep level. Then it occurred to me that it might be related to the 9th anniversary of my mother's death. My mother's death forced me into a new phase of my life, one that I don't think I've been terribly successful in embracing. Since that event was preceded by an unusual increase in emotional and psychic intensity, it seems that I may have interpreted those qualities as the genuine edge for further growth. Emotion (and psychic impressions), being watery in nature, are not necessarily a solid foundation on which to move forward into the next phase of one's life. In addition to the challenges I was facing in dealing with loss, I experienced the dissipation of the intensity of emotional and psychic experience as an additional loss and as a sign of personal failure to give my supposedly valuable opportunities room to grow and flourish. From my perspective now, it seems as if that intensity may have been a part of the process of separation and loss, and an initiation into the current phase of my life rather than a reliable sign of things to come--or of things as they could have developed had I not grown inhibited once again. The thing is, being "inhibited" seems to be essential to my getting grounded and being productive in my life and in my relationships outside of those I was cultivating while I was in the "cult."

Last night, after I woke up to pee, I experienced some of the sense of abandonment that I had felt when I experienced separation from my friends in the "cult." What I noted about these feelings this time is how specific they seemed to be to the umbilical area. There is an element of panic and of fear of failure to survive that is associated with these feelings. It's almost embarrassingly obvious and Freudian, but that obviousness doesn't decrease the unpleasantness of the feelings when they come.

In retrospect, my experience in the "cult" has shown me that it is possible for me to move in and out of feelings of psychic attunement and deep emotional resonance--experiences that take me out of my usual "head" space and into realms that are only occasionally experienced in adult life. To the extent that those experiences, when spontaneous, show me things about myself that may be worth reflecting upon, fine, but I decided a number of years ago to move away from trying to seek out such experiences for the sake of the high, the intensity, or whatever, since the pursuit ends up costing my so much time and energy, which get siphoned away from other areas of my life.

Some unexpected progress on a project this past day.



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