Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

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Subota 2 Džumade-l-ula 1441

Planet of the (Islamic) day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Saturn

Prophet of the (Islamic) day (according to Ibn 'Arabi): Abraham

Planetary day and hour (Western): day of Saturn, hour of Venus

The Sun is in 6 Capricorn (in my 4th house): A veiled prophet speaks, seized by the power of a god. (Symbol for 7 Capricorn from Dane Rudhyar, An Astrological Mandala)

The Moon is at 5Aqu16 (in my 5th house). Lunar mansion (according to Ibn 'Arabi): 23, The Vegetables, letter Thā, The Nourisher (Ar-Razzāq)

Lunar phase: New Moon - Emergence (phase names and keywords from Dane Rudhyar, The Lunation Cycle)

About 3 hours ago, the Moon transited my natal South Node (in my 5th house. About 10 minutes ago, the Moon transited my natal Saturn (in my 5th house).

It is interesting to me that, though I have been away from writing on LJ for several months, the theme of my last post was "I hate my job." That has been a strong theme recently as well. Lurking within my need to put that idea "out there" is a fear that doing so may result in a termination of employment that may come sooner than would be convenient for me financially. While my salary is the lowest for a faculty member of my rank and years of service in my department (and therefore likely to be near the bottom in those categories university-wide), it is still a steady income and, by taking a conservative and self-sacrificial approach to how I manage my finances, I have been able to keep debt manageable and to make decent progress on my planning for retirement. Having that disrupted suddenly would be an unwelcome challenge.

Although I feel overworked and underappreciated, that is nothing new in my position. Recently I came across some handwritten journal entries from a time when I was first thinking about applying for positions in the region of the country where I now live as a Plan B to the Plan A of applying for tenure at my prior position. I found a journal entry about a dream I had about a job interview after which I was offered a new position--this dream occurred about 4 months before I had what turned out to be a successful job interview. I also found a journal entry written during the first few weeks of my new position. The themes of working harder than I even had before, of feeling that I had to strive to strengthen my background in order to meet the demands of the new position adequately, of finding the atmosphere isolating and alienating, were all in play during that time. They are still in play today. That just seems to be nature of this position for me. 17 years later, it is exhausting and ungratifying.

I have also recently begun reading Erin Sullivan's Saturn in Transit. This, together with my recently rediscovered journal entries, has helped me to put some aspects of my life into a larger perspective. Rather than focusing so much on the disappointing fallout of my involvement in the Amma organization and the failure of the friendships associated with that, it is getting easier to see those experiences as episodes within a larger narrative. One thing I noticed about my handwritten journal was that it included references to Tarot and to planetary transits. Seeing that reminded me that my interests in such things were more integrated into my life when I was in my prior position and that I have been unsuccessful in trying to integrate them into my new position. Instead, it seems that I go through periods of overwork in which my personal interests are obliterated followed by periods in which I indulge in my personal interests at the expense of my professional life. One of the reasons why the beginning of my friendship with X may have seemed so "fated" was that it allowed me a chance to indulge in conversation about esoteric and spiritual issues which had been effectively suppressed since my leaving my prior position. Previously I had a colleague with whom I could speak freely about such things and another colleague with whom I explored things like going to see Ma Jaya, etc. I also had a Sufi community (several, actually) and queer Muslim friends, etc. I have come to learn that these resources are available perhaps only in certain urban environments and are not available in all contexts. Reading in Sullivan about times in one's life when bonding through projection is necessary versus times when these bonds are challenged has helped me to understand that I was particularly prone to feel a need for that kind of bonding when my mother's life was threatened and when it came to its end but, although that was clearly an important time of transition for me, such bonds are probably not meant to be sustainable (at least not in a healthy way) for the long term. Therefore the failure of my friendships associated with the Amma organization (and, indeed, the failure of my ability to remain actively involved in any mystical spiritual organization) may have been almost as inevitable as the need for those experiences was in the first place.

I think I'm going to stop here for now.



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