One word that occurs to me is "mastery." In a very limited, circumsribed sense, I can see how various trends in my life have led me to the point where I am now, where I can take account of the things that come to me with relative ease. Given that I'm still "neurologically intact," my abilities to perceive, interpret, and interact with my environment are working out pretty well. I'm also aware of my role in mediating different age groups, educational and profesisonal statuses, etc.
My father accompanied me to portions of the conference. My talk went well, and I received some positive feedback about it. I also re-established contact with the most important editor and personal assistant to the late composer whose works were the focus of the conference. She just copied me in to an email to a contact at a music publishing house, asking the contact to forward a copy of a newly edited score to me.
I contrast the way that my relationship to the community of scholars, etc., around this composer works to the strain and push-and-pull of business as usual at my host university. It's not as if they would likely even "get it" if I took them to task for the way they have treated me and my work. I think I just need to keep opening up more space for contacts with the wider world in which I seem to be moving with increasing ease.
Every once in a while it amazes me that someone with my background (neither parent went to college) from a rather undistinguished suburb in a small state could someone come to function as well as I seem to be able to do.
I guess a lesson in this is to try to ease up on judging myself and on trying too hard to change when I come into conflict with environments that displease me.
Om Amriteshwaryai Namaha,