Part of the exhaustion I've been going through has involved the sense that--although it was great to have a powerful "ride" through some of those emotions for some years--my early-stage midlife-crisis therapy stint might be drawing to a natural close. I just don't feel like trying to sustain contact with such primitive emotions through anti-intellectual spiritual practices, experiential therapies, or taking significant emotional risks in friendships, for example. I'm kind of tapped out on that kind of experience for a while.
On the other hand--although I have been somewhat hesitant to admit it--I seem to be coming back into my own quite a bit more easily by returning to practices and (gasp!) intellectual pursuits that used to mean quite a bit to me, and that are starting to mean something to me again.
I'm finding a renewal of a sense of clarity and strength from practicing salat that I had been missing for a while, even though I still enjoy the chanting of namavali (Names) associated with the Amma organization. But I'm also experiencing a focus and directness in my communications that seems to have gotten obscured during the period when I was trying to figure out how to establish myself as an Amma devotee.
For the first time in years it has even occurred to me to possibly reconnect with the Nimatullahi order in New York.
Another part of this involves reconnecting with "side interests" I had while in graduate school. It was, of course, during graduate school that I was initiated into the Nimatullahi order. That was 19 years ago this February or March. I'm well aware that, astrologically, the lunar nodes (which are supposed to be involved in karmic patterns and with threading or weaving patterns across one's lives) run on a 19-year cycle. So, they are likely to be at present near where they were when I received my first spiritual initiation.
Among these interests are mathematics and philosophy and their interactions in esoteric and more mainstream (academic) traditions, including music. It actually feels to me as if there is a little bit of time pressure on to forge a synthesis of mathematical, philosophical, astrological, musical, and computer science interests while I am still of sound mind and body.
Back in the 80's, when I was considering moving out of the university staff position I had been in for several years, I went to a "psychic group" and met a psychic named Ed Hayes. Ed had had a heart attack and then experienced a spontaneous regeneration of damaged tissue and, along with that, the ability to read people's lives. I told him about my questions regarding future career directions, and--without knowing anything about my background--he linked together music, mathematics, astronomy, astrology, medicine, and lots of teaching as well as priesthood, as being themes in my past lives. Soon afterward I left my job and went to graduate school to study music theory, as well as various esoteric interests on my own on the side.
With the kind of synthesis I've mentioned above in mind, I'm wary of allowing notions about what kind of social life I'm "supposed" to have to get in the way of what I feel I need to do. I'm less inclined to subject myself to being dicked around by douchebags in the hopes of achieving some kind of emotional high that seems to be missing from my relationship or from my work life (maybe because such "highs" are inherently unbalanced and based on illusions in my recent experience....).
Well, anyway, those are just some thoughts that have been kicking around for a while.