Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Possibly improving health

It occurred to me today that it may be a sign of improving emotional health that I am as fully engaged in my work and scholarly activities as I am, and that I have made more of a priority of those activities while I let some other things go, at least for a while.

I'm just not as plagued by a need to flee my work environment and responsibilities as I had been previously.

Let's face it, just before I began this job, my mother--who had rejected me for being gay--was diagnosed with brain cancer. I can see now torn I was between rage at the injustice of her treatment of me, despair of ever achieving satisfactory restitution or reconciliation about that, and obligatory feelings of concern and protectiveness in regard to her health status.

It makes more sense to me now than ever before that I would have struck up emotionally charged, "codependent" friendships with people who were insecure, manipulative and emotionally sadistic (shades of Mommy Dearest) at this time.

I can also see how my emphasis on feelings, emotions, and intuition as a way of trying to get to the bottom of things likely complicated my life even further. There is nothing wrong with awareness of how one is feeling, but when feelings and emotions become objectified in ways that create endless mazes of subjectivity, it can be hard to move through that to ways of functioning that honor the wholeness of who one is. Let's face it: intellectual, musical, and vocational competence is important to me, and contributes positively to how I feel about myself and my environment.

At times like this, "talking church" or "talking therapy," simply because these have become habitual modes of discourse, feels like big drag. I'm beginning to think that there are good reasons for that.



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