On my way home, I happened to check my watch and noticed the date: 3/14. My feelings started to make more sense when I remembered that was the date that things officially went south in my friendship with R was 3/15/05.
Yes, that was 6 years ago. But I made another connection. I noticed that this past November I began to experience particularly potent feelings of loss related to my mother's final illness and death. And all of that had occurred 3 years previously. So why such an intensity of feelings at a distance of 3 years (or 6 years) and not quite as much on those anniversaries in previous years (at least, so far as I can remember)?
Well, it seems to me that there is "letting go" and "moving on," and there is "really letting go" and "really moving on." In other words, there may be layers to dealing with significant losses, and it may be that some forms of letting go simply can't happen until there has been significant regeneration in order to allow that release to happen naturally and safely.
I had noticed that, over the weekend, I began looking at cult recovery websites and, as I did so, I found myself sighing deeply as I recognized some of the stages that I have gone through--or am still going through. Sometimes it hurts to heal, and "old" feelings of confusion, burnout, anxiety, etc., may resurface, even though they have not been all that detectable in the recent past.
Well, I do have a fair amount of work to do, so I'll let these thoughts be in their incomplete state for now.