After falling asleep, I remember having a dream in which I entered a closet that had been partially emptied out, but which was still in some disarray. The ambience of the dream seemed to suggest that I was involved in sorting through the effects of someone who had recently died. In the dream I said something like, "I'm tired of all of these empty closets! I feel like slitting my writsts!"
A little later on I had the sense that my father was outside, mowing the lawn or doing some other preparation on the outside of the house. I heard a rather loud knock on the front door, and I assumed it was my father. With some irritation I dropped what I was doing and went to the door. My (deceased) mother entered the living room, wildly swinging a fly swatter around. I looked toward the kitchen, where I saw my (deceased) grandmother standing, and quickly realized that they were both apparitions. I looked at the figure of my grandmother and said, "You don't exist!" Then I indicated my mother to her and said, "And she doesn't exist, either!"
The next thing I remember is shouting in the dream, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!" I woke myself up from the dream, letting out a loud, guttural scream. When I woke up, I noticed that my left hand was clutching my right side and my left elbow was covering my solar plexus, which felt inflamed with terror. My partner woke up briefly, and then went back to sleep. Eventually I got out of bed and used the bathroom. When I got back into bed, I could sense that my heart was racing, but I was either too tired or too relaxed for that to move in the direction of a panic attack, so I just gradually fell back to sleep.
It seems to me that I may have visited some kind of ancestral underworld in my dream. I did notice that I was particularly irritable yesterday, and when I checked the transits to my natal chart, I noticed that transiting Mars was exactly conjunct my natal 12th house Pluto. This seemed to indicate a convergence of heavy Scorpio/underworld energy.
After this experience I recalled that, just over seven years ago, the solar plexus was the site of intense discomfort when former friend X pulled away from me after revealing a history of abuse that I believe began in his childhood and may have extended into his adolescence. There was a wrenching sense of loss to that experience that seemed out of proportion to the actual situation and to the particular events surrounding it. Perhaps the intensity of that experience had something to do with a karmic clearing that may have been initiated on some spiritual plane, rather than being a merely mundane interpersonal drama.
I have been almost entirely focused on my work for several months now, since there seems to be so little to attract my attention interpersonally. Perhaps it was time to get a little bit unstuck and to get some energy moving again by whatever means I have available to me at the moment.
Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,