Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Something I noticed

There was something I noticed when I saw X in passing today: upon recognizing him (and his voice), there was a momentary lift of some sort. It could have just been adrenaline at seeing someone with whom I have a difficult history. On the other hand, it seemed almost like an open space, or a light: something I don't normally experience in that environment.

Of course, there is a kind of freedom in madness and in a sociopathic lack of empathy: a "Devil may care" attitude can seem to promise freedom. Maybe it was a glimpse of that that caught my attention initially, some 9 years ago already.

What I know, in this particular case, is that that "lift" or feeling of freedom is associated with an insatiable desire to intervene in and disrupt other peoples' pre-existing relationships. It's as if there will be no satisfaction until the whole social world is lying in ruins, just to prove that no one else--just like this perpetrator of chaos--is capable of sustaining meaningful relationships. Um, no.

It's kind of odd that I would have run into X this week because, at the end of last week I talked with a colleague who reminded me that I had introduced him to the music of The Killers and to Brandon Flowers's solo work. It had been a while, and I had kind of assumed that I had gotten over it and had moved on, but I started listening to The Killers and B Flo again this week and the special magic that I had found in that music came back, maybe even more strongly than ever before. I found my heart opening wide, so wide it almost hurt. And then I found myself immersed in held-in pain that also opened up and stayed opened up after the initial bliss had dissipated.

This made me think of heart-opening experiences like receiving initiation or meeting Amma or whatever, and how easy it can be to associate those experiences with individuals, and to try to attach to those inidividuals as a way of substantiating the feelings and trying to keep them going--well, especially the blissful, dreamy feelings. Unfortunately, these attempts often run aground according to the frailty of the people involved.

And so, the beat goes on.

Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,



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