Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

Partial validation

Well, it was quite apparent that I was pretty bummed out after the recent interview of a prospective grad student.

Yesterday the director of grad studies invited me to his office to have a chat about the situation of our PhD program.

He and another faculty member in his discipline (which is related to, but distinct from, mine) had some reservations about this candidate and felt that he was very obviously kissing the asses of my colleagues in my area, and that they were falling for it hook, line, and sinker.


So my bit about feeling marginalized and irrelevant was not far off of the mark.

For my part, I noted some weaknesses in the candidate's record vis-a-vis this other, related discipline, and anticipated that my colleagues in that discipline might have reservations about him. I was right on that account. (I may or may not have mentioned this, but one of the colleagues in my discipline admitted, during the interview, that he hadn't reviewed the candidate's application. He "hadn't had time" to do it. Give me a fucking break!)

Will the real professionals please stand up? Unbelieveable.

I always fucking doubt myself as long as there is someone in my environment patronizing enough to reinforce those doubts.

There are subtle (and some not-so-subtle) social cues that people who are first-generation university students often find confusing (or infuriatingly hypocritical and contradictory) that seem to be embedded in academic "culture." I always feel as if I react too slowly to those things or--on the other hand--that I am too blunt and forceful in trying to unmask them (as if the cowards who put forth that bullshit will consent to being unmasked in public by me: what must I be thinking?).

In my very few spare moments I've been reading little bits of a bio of Mark Rothko. I'm interested in his belligerence. He was a first-generation immigrant who went directly from public school to Yale. I am a third-generation immigrant (on my mother's side) who went directly from public school to Yale. I think I carry some of the educated immigrant's rage.

Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,


  • Nedjelja, 1. zu-l-hidždže 1442

    I recently had a video chat with the friend who introduced me to LJ. In recent years I have had few opportunities to converse with spiritual…

  • Nedjelja 15 Ševval 1441

    I have begun reading a book by the workshop presenter I mentioned in the last post. This is something I had purchased for myself in late 2018 with…

  • Subota 7 Ševval 1441

    Last Saturday I participated in an online workshop on dreams and astrology. Participants were encouraged to bring a dream (recent or from the past)…

  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded