As I was meditating (or trying to), a number of things came up. One was that the 10th anniversary of our closing on this house just passed. Within these 10 years, there have been lots of struggles with work, difficulties building a social circle, my mother lost a 5.5 year battle with brain cancer, my grandmother died, and there have been X, Y, and other former friends in and out of my life.
Something kind of clicked when the astrologer pointed out that the recent Venus transit happened right at the top of my birth chart, indicating career issues. Venus is a weak planet for me anyway, so this likely contirbuted to my feeling disproportionately vulnerable around work issues recently. I also recalled that Saturn had been at the top of my chart at the time I applied for this job and was hired. This helped to anchor the feeling I had of being thrust right back to the beginning of my time here, which had been rocky. (No wonder I was prime fodder for getting drawn into a cult after my first year of teaching here.) In fact, seeing a former student from that very first class at this university at the student recital a couple of weeks ago is yet one more full-circle type of experience.
Another thing that came up was that, while I was in NYC yesterday, I walked right by Ground Zero for the first time since the attacks. I didn't go to the memorial, which is a small storefront. The walkway is narrow between the fence around the site and the building that houses the memorial. It all seemed surprisingly small and cramped there. I briefly thought of the scale of the massacre and of the almost incalculable scale of suffering that has come from the reaction to it.
Finally, I realized that it was during June of 2003 that I began to question the feelings that had been triggered by X and began to wonder about their relationship to my spiritual path.
There are a lot of really intense anniversaries coming due about now.
On top of that, I noticed that Neptune is now transiting my natal Jupiter, whereas Uranus was transiting Jupiter at the time I met X. Uranus can give a kick-start to events in life, but may not produce reliable long-term changes. Neptune is more about dissolving boundaries and structures. It makes sense that I've been contemplating releasing my identification with this or that socially definable spiritual path at this point. This transit goes on until well into 2014, so I think it's best to take my time on this.
Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,