In a sense, what I've been doing these days feels very lazy. I've been watching some videos, emoting about them, and thinking about things as they come up. I think, however, that this is part of the process of digesting my most recent darshan.
Formerly, I had thought that I was supposed to change the personnel in my life, and take on new activities, in order to keep the flame of spiritual inspiration burning. This time, however, I feel that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Believe me, experiencing feelings that are still in need of healing, and feeling both emptiness and emotional craving around that, is not the most pleasant way to spend my time. But it does seem to be a good way to honor my experiences, and to invite them to occupy their proper places within my life. Yes: "Occupy Me!"
In my recent review of the decades of my life, I think that the parts about being 16 and having a crush on an exchange student who stayed with us, and about being 17 and having my first big crush on someone I saw across a room, are reference points for me. Whenever someone triggers strong feelings in me, those seem to be the places I revisit, and from which I try to proceed, with perhaps happier or more satisfying outcomes the next time around. Maybe this is why so many short films on gay topics focus on adolescence: the experience of feelings rushing up to the surface seems to imprint itself pretty deeply.
I can see how, when I met X and confusing feelings came up, it was as if I tried to stabilize and concretize those feelings by concentrating them on him. But he had already wedded himself to the Amma org, and he is one of those people who flirts with the idea of being friends or lovers with people outside of the org, but ultimately casts them aside as potential obstacles between him and his spiritual goals (however he defines those).
I think I'm going to be much warier of trying to combine friendships with gay men with participation in defined spiritual paths. If I look at what is going on now, the message that I seem to be sending myself is that, if there have been others who have dishonored my feelings and my experiences, then I can honor them, even if that path is fairly lonely much of the time. Subordinating other aspects of my life to my spiritual pursuits has taught me something about fortitude: now I can apply those lessons to my current situation. It just seems to me that I can't very well progress in healing my life if I keep putting obstacles in the way of honoring and owning the experiences I have had (and not just the nominally spiritual ones).
Recently a friend I've known for many years sent me a nice note in which he thanked me for coming to hear his most recent public performance. He also paid tribute to his most recent lover (now husband), and to my partner (now husband :-) ) for the longevity of our relationship. I'm also in the process of making arrangements to get together socially with a former student and his fiancé. This seems to be where my energy is going naturally at this point.
Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,