Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain
khalid_hussain

September

As I continue to reflect on things that have taken place in September in recent memory, another incident has come to mind. At some time in September of 2004 (for some reason the date of September 8 sticks in my mind, rightly or wrongly), X met with me in my office on campus in order to pay me back the money I had lent him so that he could go to Amma's New England retreat that summer, and to possibly reconcile and resume our friendship, following his intolerable behavior toward me over the summer.

What I see now that I did not see then was that, in agreeing to give him another chance, I was actually playing right into the hands of a cyclical pattern of abuse. Now, there are some people who suggested that I may somehow have been getting off on playing masochist to his sadism or whatever. What I can say about that now is that anyone who was not in my shoes at that time had no fucking right to criticize me in any way whatsoever. I would not actually begin therapy until later that month, so I cannot claim that I was somehow receiving expert advice and choosing to ignore it.

Even though there were clearly damaging patterns of manipulation in my family, it seems to me now that I was simply unaccustomed to and inexperienced in dealing with manipulation and abuse that was so brazen as that which was coming from X. Now that I know better, cutting people out of my life immediately, raging at them--whatever it takes--is what will happen.

Thanks for the memories, lol.


Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,

okm
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