Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain

More September stuff

As I thought more about associations I have with early September, I recalled that, on Labor Day Weekend of 2010 I went to visit my mother's gravesite for the first time since her funeral. My partner went with me, and that made up somewhat for his absence from my parents' home during her illness and its immediate aftermath. Around that time I also had some intimations of loosening my ties with the Amma organization, which has continued to develop over the intervening 2 years.

Speaking of which, I have noticed something astrological that may relate to my relationship to the Amma organization. When I met X, and then Amma soon afterward, Uranus was transiting over the place in the zodiac where Jupiter is placed in my natal chart. Jupiter represents, among other things, the guru and spiritual organizations. It's true that an interest was definitely sparked at that time. What has been going on more recently, and will continue to go on for some time longer, is that Neptune is transiting over the same place in the zodiac that Uranus transited 9 years ago. Neptune is about mysticism, but also dissolution and disillusionment. Neptune is also the closest planet to the Sun in my natal chart. Indeed, it does feel as if I am allowing my relationship to the Amma organization to dissolve while also experiencing a re-engagement with personal relationships and former interests.

Some of the posts on ex-Amma lately have been interesting. Rather than polemics for or against, a number of posts acknowledge the mysterious and powerful effects she has had on a number of people, while also acknowledging that neither the ashram nor the Amma roadshow are permanent destinations for everyone. Some people are able to acknowledge the extraordinary experiences they have had around Amma (and, in some cases, around other teachers as well) while at the same time affirming their desire to reconstitute their lives without feeling such a strong connection to a teacher or an organization.

Finally, I gave a recital on campus on Tuesday night. After having felt marginalized and underappreciated for so long, I approached this project with a good deal of detachment. I'm finding that, so long as I nourish myself by devoting time and attention to personal interests--whether or not they seem to be advantageous professionally--I experience less of the heavy resentment that had welled up over the last several years. After having felt largely ignored, misunderstood, and inappropriately (and unproductively) criticized for the contributions that I had tried to make to the musical and cultural life of the Department over the last several years, I had chosen to boycott campus as a venue for musical performances. I didn't perform on campus for 3 years. Somehow, things worked a bit differently this time. It appeared as if I were able to remain true to my subjective connection to music that I value, and to invite others into that experience, and to have them receive it and respond with spontaneous enthusiasm. There was more of a sense of community about this performance than I had experienced previously. Teaching is feeling a bit more connected this year as well.

Om Kreem Kalyai Namaha,


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