Khalid Hussain (khalid_hussain) wrote,
Khalid Hussain


A memoir by Amma's former personal assistant has recently been published. I have ordered a copy. I hope it helps me to discern more clearly why I stepped back from the organization, and reassures me that I really haven't been missing much by returning to "the rest of my life."

I think it is fairly typical, once one has been somewhat involved in an organization like that, to question whether one might have been able to have a more fulfilling experience if one had stuck around longer, if one had tried harder to become more involved, if one hadn't taken disappointments so "personally," etc. Like any kind of dysfunctional relationship, I think that such organizations breed those kinds of doubts, and in fact rely on them in order to keep a certain number of people involved.

I think that these doubts begin to dissipate when we try to consider that the signs that a situation may not be right for us are signs that we absolutely must take seriously if we are committed to getting our lives back on track and to moving forward as positively as we are able to. Nonetheless the shadows of the doubts do tend to linger.

When I consider what may have driven the former friend who introduced me to the Amma organization to remain as involved in it as he has been, it seems to me that his history of abuse may have affected him in such a way that he may never be able to integrate various aspects of his life as I have done. While I may have become involved during a period of particular stress and transformation, I still had a "life" to which I could return if the org turned out not to be the decisive new direction that it may at first have appeared to be. Such may not be the case for some people, including my former friend.

I guess what I'm saying is that, even though I don't know Gail personally, and even though she left before I became involved in the org, the fact that her long-awaited book is finally in print inspires me to take a few more glances backward while at the same time helping me to feel more settled in my decision to leave, and to let my ties with people who are still in the org to loosen a bit more.

Here is Gail's website:

And here is a video of Gail, during her time as a devotee. The video was compiled by another devotee who, unfortunately, had periodic issues with mental instability, and who ultimately committed suicide. His situation is, unfortunately, by no means unique among Amma devotees.



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